A Glimpse of Life in the Fat Lane

This is an excerpt from my short story, “Memoirs of a Fat Ballerina,” which I’ve entered in a few competitions (don’t worry, I checked the rules and I’m allowed to post on here) and which I’m currently thinking of turning into a full-length YA. Let me know what you think! – Love, V “Memoirs of a […]

You said it, Louisa May.

I always loved that part in Little Women, when precocious young Amy sagely advises her older sister, “You don’t need scores of suitors. You only need one. If he’s the right one.” I think in that way, publishing a book is a lot like hunting for a husband. In the midst of all the silence, […]

A Dead Silence or a Pregnant Pause…?

Heads up: this is going to be a really stupid post. For one thing, I’ve just finished watching the movie Jennifer’s Body (totally underrated horror-comedy, IMO) in my pajamas, in the middle of the day. So my mood could be accurately defined as “fatalistic, with a hint of self-deprication.” That said, here’s the rhetorical question of […]

On Leading a “Double Life”

A few months ago, I decided to tackle “Piece of Advice #3” (of 3,000,000) in C.J. Redwine’s book, Query: Everything You Need to Get Started, Get Noticed and Get Signed. (Link to the book) Though most writers/authors/agents/publishers would most likely agree that no one book can possibly hold ALL the secrets an aspiring author needs to […]

*Funny Not Found

One of my mom’s favorite things to tell us growing up was that “we Parks aren’t funny.” For the longest time, I believed this was 100% true. As a kid, I’d have these mildly epileptic moments, where I’d suddenly think of a witty comment or make up a new punchline to an old joke… but […]

On If, not When

Every aspiring author has a few nights of weakness. Nights where they lie awake, questioning whether they have the sanity or the willpower to continue in their chosen career. (And if you don’t have this problem, I’d really like to meet you. So I can punch you in the face. No offense.) For most of us, the mental hamster […]

On Shooting for the Moon

I’ve just begun the querying process, and let me tell you something, folks. In my life, I’ve done a lot of crazy, terrifying things. I’ve gone snowboarding pell-mell down Pepi’s Face in Vail, Colorado when the ice was thicker than a Chicago Pizza crust. I’ve gone whitewater rafting more times than I can count, and have almost […]

Inevitable Spasms of Panic

I’ve now been here for ten days. The mania has started to set in. Today, I went online and started searching for editing jobs, unpaid or not. It’s not that I can’t live without the money, but I think my body is beginning to suffer from the lack of stress that used to augment my blood-pressure. […]

Thursday Q & A: The Awakening

Hello, friends! This is the first official post of my soon-to-be ongoing theme of “Q & A Thursday.” At first, I’ll probably just start off by making up my own questions. But eventually, you can start e-mailing me any writing or island related questions to the following address: FridayIsForWriting@gmail.com (catchy, right?) and I’ll choose one […]

Earl’s Gotta Die

I hate auto mechanics. This isn’t an untrained bias, mind you, but a deep and cultured loathing that has stemmed from years of experience with these crafty emissaries of Satan. Sure, they seem rather innocuous at first glance. Heck, most of them don’t even look like they know how to tie their own shoes. But the […]

Querying for Guffman

Here follows an example of what my query letter would say in a perfect world. (i.e. A world where social awkwardness and brutal honesty is the equivalent of charm and …big boobs.) Hello there, you lucky bastard you. I’m writing to announce that I’ve written a 100,000 word labor of excruciating fictional genius called _________. […]

Oh Snap, This S**t Just Got Real.

I’ve done it. I’ve finally done it. From now and for the next two years, I am no longer employed to be anything else but a full-time writer. Novelist. Starving artist, if you will. Imaginaire extraordinaire. Bum. From now on, my only occupation is to make stuff up and record it in a semi-coherent, chronological […]

Murderous Musings of 10:00am

As usual, while watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night I was plagued with thoughts of violence. Somewhere during the twelve-or-so-minute period of inaction caused by the feeling of horror/intrigue shows like that seem to bank on for their viewership, there was a commercial for the new season of Dexter. Of course, my mind being the […]

The Upside of Eating Feet

Since a very young age, I’ve been infamous for putting my foot in my mouth. Whether as a result of an ill-timed observation, a hastily invented excuse, or an unintentional slight, I am no stranger to the immediate chagrin and panic that comes after saying something you wish you could take back, but can’t. However, […]

Cry me a river to drown you in…

Preface: Something hilarious happened at work today, and I can’t tell you about it because I’ve sworn a blood oath to my employers and the U.S. government that I would never utter any work-related anecdotes on any public or social media forum. On penalty of death, dismemberment and/or short stint in low-security women’s prison. And […]

The Snack Food of Dishonesty

It starts with a little white lie. Something went wrong, or maybe it just didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to. You messed up, you didn’t notice, you forgot. Then suddenly, what seems like years later but is probably only moments, the consequences are staring you in the face. You realize what you did, […]

The Cow’s Not Even for SALE!!!

So, you know that saying that all mothers in the 1950’s used to apparently tell their daughters? (At least I assume this to be the case, since every mom I’ve met repeats it often and with great enthusiasm. But just in case you’re male and/or have been raised in some kind of sedentary wilderness, I’m referring to the “why buy the cow […]

Twitter-whoring and other Unforgivable Sins

I recently joined the “Twitterverse,” which is something I swore I’d never do, right up there with getting an iPod–because iPods were for hipster elitists who couldn’t walk without a soundtrack–and taking yoga classes seriously. Unfortunately, life is not something you can ever completely predict, and it seems almost fated that you’ll inevitably end up breaking all of your carefully constructed rules […]

Confession # 2,567: Celebrity Bonk List

Everyone knows the rule. You’re married. You’ve promised to love, honor and argue with only one person for the rest of your life. You’ll never even THINK of being with someone else, ever again. BUT… there is a bit of a rhetorical loophole in this binding arrangement. I mean, blessed arrangement. This loophole is based on the […]

They Like Me! They F**king LIKE Me!

If it had been me winning the Oscar, it’s what I probably would’ve said. Not because I happen to swear a lot, but because in my life I have always had this tragic ability to always say JUST the wrong thing when it matters most, when the greatest amount of people are listening, or even just when the WRONG […]

Random Phobias I Might Have

Acerophobia- Fear of sourness. Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances. Agateophobia- Fear of insanity. Apiphobia- Fear of bees. Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers. Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor. Bathmophobia- Fear of stairs or steep slopes. Chionophobia- Fear of snow. Chiroptophobia- Fear of bats. Cyprinophobia – Fear of prostitutes or […]

“Go Time”

Okay people, it’s time to stop playing around. Up until now, I’ve been sneakily working on this book (along with my little secret club of Closeted Novelists–not kidding, that is our actual name) in between long hours at the office and usually after I release my stress doing mindless, pointless activities like yelling at the […]