As usual, while watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night I was plagued with thoughts of violence.

Somewhere during the twelve-or-so-minute period of inaction caused by the feeling of horror/intrigue shows like that seem to bank on for their viewership, there was a commercial for the new season of Dexter. Of course, my mind being the twisted and sometimes dark organ that it is, I found myself wondering…

If I were a vigilante anti-hero like Dexter Morgan, who would I kill?

The parents on TV shows like Toddlers and Tiaras would be the most obvious choice. Who could disagree that the kind of person who would cake lipstick and mascara on a baby or bottle-feed their sleepy toddler with Monster energy drink to keep them bright eyed well past their naptime is also the kind of person who might benefit from a scalpel to the face, even if it was just a warning slice.

Then again–and, I reiterate, purely rhetorically–I might also be forced to consider some governmental hopefuls to be worthier candidates for my theoretical killing table. How much better off would the world be, I wondered, if some of these “masterful debaters” were six feet under, instead of six feet above ground, standing on a dais in front of a podium and making snap judgments about people whose lives and needs they know nothing about?

Or perhaps the disgustingly rich CEO’s of a few syndicated insurance companies, who rubber stamp policies that deny life-saving medicine to small children on stupid technicalities?

But why stop there? Surely, if Satan’s pencil-pushers have got it coming, then the ones doing the actual damage should pay a much heftier price. How about DUI repeat-offenders? Peeping tom? Why not people who take up two parking spaces with their big-ass SUVs? WHO’S GOING TO PUNISH THEM, HUH???!

I guess the moral of this story is that it’s a good thing I’m not a psychopath. Because once I get started on something, I have a tendency to get a little overzealous. Or crazy, whatever.