Here follows an example of what my query letter would say in a perfect world. (i.e. A world where social awkwardness and brutal honesty is the equivalent of charm and …big boobs.)

Hello there, you lucky bastard you.

I’m writing to announce that I’ve written a 100,000 word labor of excruciating fictional genius called _________. It’s a rollicking, gut-wrenching tale about the most iconic and unforgettable character in the world. This book, once published, will awe and orgasmanize critics and readophiles alike all over the world. They’ll call it “the feel-good hit of forever.”

The plot details are unimportant. What you need to know is this: get ready to have your face melted off by some steaming volcanic awesomeness.

Who am I, you ask? Well, I’m kind of a big deal. I survived college (barely) with a degree in Print Journalism, which means I have plentiful experience with industry procedures like “this article is poorly-researched crap” and “start all over again from scratch.” My blog has been horrifying and delighting handfuls of strangers since 2004. I have dozens of followers on twitter. Possibly even…hundred.

Out of thousands of potential literary agents, I’ve chosen to bestow upon you the honor of being stalked by me until my book is finally published.

Please respond within 24 hours or the cat dies.

Sincerely,

Veronica. Boom.