Updating my site With some poetry last night From angsty times of yore Neglected to uncheck Subscriber notices, heck Now everyone thinks I’m a chore TLDR: tech can boost As long as it’s used Not for emo cyber war
X I like your mustache. I tolerate your music. Everything else…meh.
IX You stole my records. I want Blue Oyster Cult back. You can keep Bieber.
VIII No, YOU don’t get it. I am breaking up with YOU. I call dibs on first.
VII You can’t stay with me. I totally respect that. I’ll leave, in your car.
VI #IHateYou. @YouAreTheWorstEver. Spell it out, moron.
V Tell me you’re sorry. I won’t believe you mean it. One lie, for the road.
IV Your friends are losers. Halo isn’t a career. You’ll all die alone.
III Your mom hated me. That’s what you told me, liar. She’ll hate this one more.
II You smell like cabbage. Your socks are always filthy. “Style choice,” my ass. Jerk.
I I really hate you. But not as much as Glenn Beck. I guess that’s something.
It’s not because I’m liberal And you’re a republican. Or because I’m Irish Romanian And you’re Italian American. It’s not due to circumstance Or bad timing, or astrology. In fact, I categorically reject Your itemized apology. Because it wasn’t misunderstanding Or a case of “square peg, round hole” Any more than it’s surprising When the […]
Dear Graffiti Artist, Why? In the name of Andy Warhol, why? Seriously, why would you do something like that? What is the point? Why climb that overpass, and risk getting pancaked by an oncoming train, Just to tell Joe that he “Sux Ballz?” And you didn’t even spell it properly. Unless you’re from some obscure […]
In girl time, five minutes is forever. That’s what you used to say, right? When I’d say, “I’ll just be another five minutes,” You would roll your eyes and say, “Five minutes in girl time is FOREVER.” And maybe you were right, actually. Maybe that’s why I feel so sucked dry Of happiness and […]
I hope you choke On the lies you told On the promises you made And the kisses you stole. I hope they burn Like white hot stars All the way to the bone I hope they scar. I hope you remember Every secret I gave you You promised to carry them I hope […]
Example: I haven’t showered in _eons__, but that’s okay, because somewhere out there, there’s bound to be a hot, single _notary public_ who loves the smell of _stewed cabbage_. I’m a proud, confident _________ who don’t need no __________. Except to _______ my _________. I might need a _________ for that. When I […]
You’re like a manhole, Minus the man. If you were the only draft, I’d pick the can. You’re the void in my donut, The air in my chips. I’d like to take an iron To your tiresome, lying lips. Around is where you always are When it’s space I want instead. You think […]
I said I’d never let you down And always take your side. However, that was when I thought I’d be your future bride. I said I’d never lie to you About the things that mattered. However, that was before you broke my heart And my five year plan was shattered. I never wanted […]
You call yourself a “beer connoisseur” But when no one is looking You drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. You’re basic, Bro. You cheer for the Giants But only because you secretly think You look better in blue. You’re what is loosely referred to as an “unimpressive man,” or “Basic Bro.” Your favorite band Used to be […]
I told myself I loved you But your Beard was wispy And insubstantial and you Had a tendency to skip leg day Anyway I thought you were perfect But you didn’t know any Songs by The Clash Even though you often rocked A London Calling t-shirt Anyway I imagined us together Forever even though you […]