I just got home from a twice in one day flight to Las Vegas, and no I wasn’t doing anything awesome like counting cards for Kevin Spacey. (One can dream, though)

During my travels, a couple of things struck me that I’d like to share with y’all. (All three of you who read this blog, that is.) I’m calling it Flight Etiquette 101, and if it’s all the same, I’d like to break with the paragraph format and just do this Jack Handy style.

1. Some people say that it’s impolite to listen to loud music when there’s a lot of other people around. I say it’s worse to wear strong perfume, because people look at you more weird when you’ve got cotton in your nose.

2. I do not think it is okay to turn to a random stranger and yell “Oh shit! I left my jacket in the car.” Because that person didn’t know you had a jacket in the first place.

3. Why peanuts? Is it because that’s all they had on the Mayflower and airlines are really sentimental?

4. Have you ever noticed how you’re always late for your flight until after you get there? It’s because the time space continuum is inside out, but only inside the airport.

5. People like to complain about how flying used to be classier. Only by classier, they meant that only upper middle class people got to go on the plane.

6. When you see an old lady struggling to get into her seat, you might think it’s a good idea to help by grabbing her arm and gently easing her down. You’d be wrong, though, because she was actually trying to get up.

7. I like to think that someday, we’ll all fly around in a clear plastic bubble, and the screaming will be muted out by noise cancelling headphones. That would be cool.

8. Somebody told me once that it was frightening how much the price of air travel has inflated over the last ten years. But I told that story around the campfire, and no one got scared.

9. What is it about the whooshing of jet engines and the creaking of questionably forged steel that makes you want to get drunk? … Oh.

10. I wonder if there will come a day when airport food gets so expensive that people will start sneaking in their own snacks like at the movie theater? That way, when someone gets pulled out of the security line for a random cavity search, it’s pretty much 50-50 that it’s just a Twinkie violation and not a bomb.