Onward, Forwards!!!

Welcome to my new E-mail forwards series.
Why, you might ask? Basically, I work in an office. So I get a lot of forwarded e-mails. Some are funny, some are okay…most not so much. In fact, a lot of them are variations on the EXACT same theme, whether it be an uninformed (like, waaaaay uninformed) rant on the state of the economy or political reform, or a quasi-offensive cartoon or sacrilegious joke about Saint Peter and the pearly gates. Sometimes, it’s just a quaint little story about a dog named Butch that someone, at some time somewhere made up to go along with a cutesy photo they found on google. Other times, it’s a horrendously Photoshopped photo that is meant to be “proof” of something or other.
At any rate, most e-mail forwards suck big time. So today, I decided to take it a step farther from my normal modus operandi–which usually consists of 1) Skim, 2) Scoff in disgust or snuffle out a barely there courtesy laugh for a non-existent audience, then 3) Delete. I almost NEVER forward them, usually for the reason that I don’t want anyone to think I’m placing my stamp of approval on them. Usually the only ones I do send on are to this lady I work with who enjoys any and all types of forwards because she collects them. Cause she’s a little crazy.
Instead, I decided to start writing a few of my own. Which, technically I suppose makes them not really forwards. But who really cares? If you like them, copy and paste and then forward it to someone and then they WILL be forwards. Presto. You’re welcome.
All I ask is that you a) keep them anonymous, and b) don’t change them to be stupider than they already are. In return, I make a solemn vow unto you all (all six-seven of you) that each of these will be completely, 100% original. (Except for the ones that aren’t meant to be.) And in addition to being completely of my own invention, I promise to at least TRY to make them entertaining.
And now, without further ado…