Let Me Put My Thoughts in You…

So I’ve been alive for about twenty-five years, (give or take) and in that time I’ve accumulated a few tiny pieces of knowledge that I would like to share with you, if you don’t mind…

I’ve learned that whenever people’s voices get higher, it’s usually because they’re saying the exact opposite of what they’re thinking. Such as, “Oh my gosh, I love that sweater!” or “We should totally hang out sometime.” Also, people whose voices are always high-pitched are probably chronic liars. It’s science.

Writing creatively is about a hundred times harder when it’s for work. I’m not sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with the fact that most creative types are constant procrastinations. Also, we’re immune to being tricked by reverse psychology and the usual motivational techniques. Maybe that’s why a lot of really great writers get drunk so often? It probably makes them easier to convince.

You should ALWAYS use a toilet protector at the hospital. No matter where you are, no matter how clean it looks. Trust me on this.

Have a pet before you have a kid. Not because they’re similar in any way, but because you’re less likely to go to jail for accidentally letting your pet starve than if it’s a kid, and chances are that’s something you’re gonna want to test yourself on.

If you’re ever in a position to have TiVo, watch as many shows as you possibly can. That way, you can hold a conversation with almost anyone.

On that note, I’m pretty sure the entire point of Pandora radio is to be able to pull some really freaking obscure bands out of your a** whenever you end up being stuck in a conversation with one of those elitist musical douchebags who refuse to acknowledge any radio bands as “real musicians.”

Take your time while eating after the dentist. You can always reheat a hamburger, but tongues don’t grow back.

Make out with a lot of people before you get married, not so you can feel like a rock star but so you can have stories to tell your kids. Cautionary tales, so they won’t want to end up like you when you’re old. My mom scared me completely off dating when I was in high school using the same technique. Now, all I can say is, “Well played, Mom…”

Love thy neighbor, but try not to talk to them if you can help it. Otherwise, they’ll ask you to do stuff. Uncomfortable stuff, like bringing in their mail when they go on vacation. There are some things you never want to find out about the people who intimately know where you live and what your work schedule is. A magazine subscription to Bondage Weekly and Fun Gunz quarterly? Those are some of those things.

Don’t watch Glen Beck unless you want to end up the kind of person whose e-mail forwards I instantly delete without reading. Also the regular e-mails.

Read people’s blogs. Even if they’re stupid, sometimes they’ll give you ideas. Or at least make you feel smarter and generally more well-liked.