It’s not because I’m liberal
And you’re a republican.
Or because I’m Irish Romanian
And you’re Italian American.
It’s not due to circumstance
Or bad timing, or astrology.
In fact, I categorically reject
Your itemized apology.
Because it wasn’t misunderstanding
Or a case of “square peg, round hole”
Any more than it’s surprising
When the Broncos lose the Super Bowl.
“It’s not anyone’s fault,” you say.
“Neither of us is really to blame.”
But if that’s true, why don’t you and I
Feel equal amounts of shame?
Shameless is what I’d call your face
When you told me “we” were moving on.
Blameless is how you clearly feel
So allow me to correct you. Um, you’re WRONG.
Because YOU were the one who labeled me “perfect”
Then got shocked when I was human like you.
And YOU were the one who brought up forever,
Then changed your mind about following through.
It is YOU who lacks perspective
And in six months, YOU’LL be calling again
To beg and tell me you’re sorry
That YOU needed space to become a better boyfriend.
Good luck with that, because YOU need practice
Taking responsibility for YOUR mistakes.
Instead of blaming the world around you
When YOU weren’t willing to do what it takes
To get the things you think YOU deserve
Like life, and love, and happiness.
And a perfect girlfriend who expects nothing from you
I hope she enjoys cleaning up YOUR mess.
Because YOU never learned to do laundry
And YOU think that women belong at home
Tending to YOUR every waking need
While also leaving YOU alone.
And YOU are a selfish bastard
Who always hogs the remote.
And YOU are a closet racist
Who throws around terms like “fresh off the boat.”
YOU should be ashamed of YOURSELF
For blaming our breakup on race
And bringing up phrases like “meant to be”
You hater of “hippy platitudes,” with a totally straight face.
But YOU are right, about exactly one thing:
I’m not to blame for our sudden end.
It’s really a matter of cost and demand.
I’m worth MUCH more than YOU are willing to spend.