No, it’s Definitely You

It’s not because I’m liberal

And you’re a republican.

Or because I’m Irish Romanian

And you’re Italian American.

It’s not due to circumstance

Or bad timing, or astrology.

In fact, I categorically reject

Your itemized apology.

Because it wasn’t misunderstanding

Or a case of “square peg, round hole”

Any more than it’s surprising

When the Broncos lose the Super Bowl.

“It’s not anyone’s fault,” you say.

“Neither of us is really to blame.”

But if that’s true, why don’t you and I

Feel equal amounts of shame?

Shameless is what I’d call your face

When you told me “we” were moving on.

Blameless is how you clearly feel

So allow me to correct you. Um, you’re WRONG.

Because YOU were the one who labeled me “perfect”

Then got shocked when I was human like you.

And YOU were the one who brought up forever,

Then changed your mind about following through.

It is YOU who lacks perspective

And in six months, YOU’LL be calling again

To beg and tell me you’re sorry

That YOU needed space to become a better boyfriend.

Good luck with that, because YOU need practice

Taking responsibility for YOUR mistakes.

Instead of blaming the world around you

When YOU weren’t willing to do what it takes

To get the things you think YOU deserve

Like life, and love, and happiness.

And a perfect girlfriend who expects nothing from you

I hope she enjoys cleaning up YOUR mess.

Because YOU never learned to do laundry

And YOU think that women belong at home

Tending to YOUR every waking need

While also leaving YOU alone.

And YOU are a selfish bastard

Who always hogs the remote.

And YOU are a closet racist

Who throws around terms like “fresh off the boat.”

YOU should be ashamed of YOURSELF

For blaming our breakup on race

And bringing up phrases like “meant to be”

You hater of “hippy platitudes,” with a totally straight face.

But YOU are right, about exactly one thing:

I’m not to blame for our sudden end.

It’s really a matter of cost and demand.

I’m worth MUCH more than YOU are willing to spend.