Breaking: Past ASSignment leads to present-day titters…

I was searching through my archived files, and found this article I once wrote for a fitness magazine. (Name of publication has been redacted due to bot issues.) It gave me a laugh, and so should you.


Propaganda and the American Booty: Why Bigger is Now Better
Written for &#*% Magazine by Veronica Park

Oh my gosh, Becky. Look at that… can you finish the sentence? Most Americans can. In fact, since 1991 when the song was originally coined, there has been a viable burst of chatter about the backsides of our society. So much so that certain movie stars were eventually prompted to use this particular body part as the marquis of their entire image. The fame of the booty has continued to spread, encompassing music, television, movies, and even some forms of literature. And with all this “booty madness”, the general consensus seems to be that the bigger the booty, the more buzz worthy it is.

Time and again this theme has crept–or backed up–into music in many various forms. Like the 1991 hit song “Baby Got Back”, 2001’s “Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child was also only a song; but it apparently became so influential to our culture that the term “bootylicious” was recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Set alongside such culturally pivotal words as book and bomb, the entry reads: “bootylicious: adjective US informal sexually attractive. – ORIGIN 1990s: from BOOTY2, on the pattern of delicious.” (Oxford Dictionary of Modern Slang, 2005) Now, that term will be available for use to people all over the world for years to come. Notice how it refers to someone as attractive, in connection to being glutiously well-endowed.

Probably the most well-known example of bootyliciousness is the increasingly successful Ms. Jennifer Lopez, a 36 year old Puerto Rican singer/actress who knows the value of backing up one’s assets. Her fame, though considerable, is easily eclipsed by the fame of her own behind. Said to be valued at over three-hundred million dollars, this prized possession has become the calling card of JLo’s image. A website that catalogues the number of times each term is entered into a search engine on the internet tracked the inclusive search for terms “J Lo” and “booty” 2,831 times in August 2005 alone. In a May 22, 2003 issue of the Boston Herald, an article on the opening ceremony of Madame Tussaud’s New YorkWax Museum featured a brand new attraction – an $80,000 wax figure of the bodacious pop star. To honor the new figure, the museum held a “J. Lo booty look-alike contest”, which just goes to show that she’s not just famous for one thing! Other stars have since followed in her footsteps, adding their own bootyriffic profiles to the list. Like Beyonce Knowles, the singer who herself invented the term “bootylicious”. Their names will no doubt go down in history for their numerous and very pivotal contributions to society.

Another sign of the triumph of booty over beauty is evidenced in the rise of below-the-belt plastic surgery. In a new procedure never before seen in any other country, American women are actually paying to have their backsides enlarged. According to a 2005 MSNBC article entitled “Want a Booty Like J, Lo’s?” by E.J. Mundell, “While statistics on the number of gluteal-implant surgeries are only beginning to be collected, officials at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons say 614 of the procedures were performed in the United States in 2002, although the actual number could now be much higher. Doctors are reporting a rising demand for the surgery.” Does this not suggest a shift towards the “bigger is better” philosophy where our bottoms are concerned? At this time, most of the booty madness affected population seems to be women, as about 90% of those who seek this kind of surgery are female. However, the demand for this surgery by men is continuing to increase. Undoubtedly, we will soon have a newer, more deluxe, male version of the current J. Lo model.

Looking at this surge of booty-friendly data, one might wonder what this means for us as a nation. Some may say that it marks the turning point of a shallow society into a ridiculous one. These kinds of people, sometimes authors like Aldous Huxley of A Brave New World, might look to the future with fear for how our bottoms may one day grow to overtake us, smothering our resistance until we are all helplessly and happily bootylicious. And who is to say that those straw persons—I mean people—wouldn’t be correct? At this point, the ramifications of bootyliciousness on society have only begun to be explored. (Because I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one ever to explore this issue.) Let us just say that the power of the booty is quickly taking over, whether we are ready for it or not. In the now immortalized words of Destiny’s Child: “I don’t think you can handle this.”

People I would like to Thank (aka Sources):

J. Lo Inventory data: [Online]
Courtesy of

Booty Insurance Info – Urban Legends and Folklore at [Online] Health. Cosmetic Surgery. Nip n’ tuck Nation.

Wax Museum Article
Boston Herald, May 22, 2003 by Gayle Fee
(Courtesy of

Not to mention my own deranged mind.