Help Wanted: Not as Simple as it Sounds

Lately I’ve been re-tooling my resume for the inevitable (and looming) relocation. As anyone who’s ever sought gainful employment will tell you, this is a very humbling, soul-redefining sort of experience. I mean, honestly. How the hell are you supposed  to eloquently describe your entire self being in one measly page of elegantly professional text?

It CANNOT be done!

So, as many others who have come before me have done–and don’t pretend you’ve never done this–I’ve been forced to get a little creative. Not dishonest, mind you. Let’s just call it the “jargon of the job search,” where you generously layer all of your good qualities in the foreground while minimizing your less than desirable qualities like they’re unsightly nasal pores. (Of course, being me, there was only so much professionalism and decorum I could cram in there before something inappropriate exploded.) So instead of botching up a job interview, I decided to put all of my secret dirty little thoughts into a letter of mal-intent, for your reading pleasure.

***Disclaimer: This post is written completely in satire, and should any prospective employers read this, please know that I only meant about ten…fifteen percent of it.

Dear Prospective Employer whose name I made fun of while writing this letter,

I am writing to beg you to pick me to fill this extremely high-paying and lofty-sounding position–which I am ridiculously underqualified for but which I am 90% certain I could fake my way through with relative ease. I feel that I am ideal for this position, regardless of the fact that I just now googled your company to ascertain what it is you all actually DO there, and I must confess that even now I am slightly perplexed. However, the sum of money that is being offered for said position is extremely intriguing to me, and I am confident that it will be enough to sustain my undying loyalty to your organization for at least six months.

Though my prior experience can only be considered loosely related to the field of marketing/space exploration/hostile corporate takeovers/pet liposuction/blacksmithery, I am nevertheless excited and a little bit aroused at the chance to broaden my metaphorical horizons by delving headfirst and with both feet into that glorious pit of money–er, opportunity that awaits as an intern/middle manager/shoe shiner/copy room clerk/exotic dancer/Newsie for your organization.

With deep respect, I would also like to add that you look amazing in that suit/vest/scarf and would it be inappropriate to ask since we’ve just met, have you lost weight? And for the love of God will you please gimme a job so I can get me somma that lovely, lovely money…

Sincerely and with craploads of professionalism,


P.S. Please see my attached resume for a full preview of my B.S. in excellence / excellence in B.S.