Dear Human Resources Department,

I would like to lodge a formal complaint about my boss.

It’s very awkward, and I really hate to complain, but…. You see, I think she’s stalking me. Here’s why I think this is a serious problem:

I first noticed her interest while I was away from my desk. I’d been hanging out over by the water cooler for a good 30-45 minutes before I finally realized that she was watching me. Not just watching me, staring at me. Like, for a good ten minutes. When I eventually went back to my desk, it was time to go home for the day. So I did.

The next day, I was feeling a little under the weather so I decided not to go to work. My boss called me at nine-thirty in the morning, demanding to know where I was. “What business is it of yours?” I asked. I didn’t quite hear what she said next, but I’m pretty sure she threatened to set me on FIRE. I started to be afraid that maybe she’d actually do it. So I went into work anyway.

When I got to work at about noon, it was lunch time. I put my things into my desk, and then stood up to go have lunch out with some of my work friends. My boss stormed over. “Where do you think you’re going?” she practically shrieked. “Out to lunch with some people,” I calmly replied. “Oh, no you aren’t!” she said sternly, and glared until I caved and sat back down in my desk. Clearly, she was insanely jealous if I tried to spend time with anyone besides her.

Later that day, I was on the phone with one of my very close girlfriends, and she was very upset because her boyfriend was breaking up with her. I’d been consoling her faithfully for a good hour when my boss came storming over yet again. “Who are you talking to now?” she demanded to know. “No one,” I said. That was when she threatened to set me on fire again. So I hung up the phone. Then, she punished me for the rest of the day by making me do unfair amounts of manual labor, and she wouldn’t even let me leave until at least five-o-clock at night!

Now I’m sure you can plainly see why I’ve been forced to submit this complaint. Obviously, my boss is some kind of Glen Close-style whack job, right? I’d be remiss not to report her grossly unprofessional behavior…right?

I’d appreciate it if this issue was addressed as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Bob Slate

545-8595 ext. 2209

SimpCo, USA