I know it’s a total copout—not to mention a torrid embrace of all things lazy and unoriginal, which is basically the same thing, I realize—but there are times when I’m not all that into linear thinking. During those times, I just gotta let myself sort out my turbulent thoughts in whatever format they happen to occur. Therefore, I list.
Today’s list of unrelated thoughts does, in fact, follow a somewhat coherent theme: things I’m afraid of/can’t stand, but that don’t have a logical or valid reason for causing me to feel this way. I like to call it my WTF List of Dislikes.
#1 – When I go into a totally deserted public restroom, and the toilet seat is still inexplicably warm. I feel the need to scream.
#2 – When sharing laundry facilities and someone else happens upon my temporarily abandoned load in the washer, and instead of helpfully transferring it to the dryer—or even alerting me so that I may do so—they simply eject my helpless laundry onto the floor or the top of the dryer, leaving a hopelessly smelly lump of wet cloth in the place of what was once clean laundry. It actually makes me a little homicidal.
#3 – Small children who scream for no apparent reason. I don’t know why, but it always puts me in mind of that part in the Bible where the man was possessed by thousands of evil spirits, and they made those pigs jump off a cliff instead. Even if they only scream “Gimme some juice, Mommy!” I can’t help hearing “I am legion.”
#4 – Sociopaths. Whenever I read about them in books—crime thrillers are a hobby of mine—I can’t stop seeing them everywhere I go. The cashier at the supermarket, most of the Relief Society, and even the occasional small child. I wonder if secretly, they’re smiling because they’re picturing what my head would look like in their freezer.
#5 – Even though it’s probably narcissistic to even entertain the thought, I’ve always been worried that people I’ve never met are going to plagiarise me. It’s why I never want to post any of my marketable thoughts in a public forum, or even write them down completely. If you’re wondering why this blog sucks so bad, that’s probably the cause.
#6 – Paper cuts. Unfortunately, they’re a constant job hazard for me. To be honest, I’d rather be in the line of work where I have to worry about getting shot than be in the sort of place where my biggest fear—aside from communicable disease—is paper cuts.
#7 – I realize that I’m going to sound like a complete racist when I say this, but the Chinese have always been a genre of humanity that royally phobe me out. I don’t know if it’s their obliviousness to the discomfort of too much physical proximity, their emergence as an economical world power, or the perpetually lingering smell of peanut oil and udon noodles. But whenever I’m in the presence of a Chinese person, I tend to sweat profusely.
#8 – I’m irrationally disturbed by anything mathematic. Symbols that don’t have anything to do with their definitions confuse me. Decimal points frighten me. Equations longer than four numbers make me want to roll up in a warm blanket and silently vibrate while chanting the words to “Pop Goes the Weasel.” As if that wasn’t creepy enough, I sometimes count in letters rather than numbers. On the other hand, Chinese people love math. Maybe that’s another reason for me to abhor them, now that I think about it.
#9 – Pork has always struck me as a very confusing kind of meat. I don’t like eating it, except in bacon form. And the only reason I can abide that, I think, is that it’s been flattened to the point where it more closely resembles beef jerky.
#10 – People who abbreviate words that have no business being abbreviated. For example: “Sched” instead of schedule. “Delish” instead of delicious. “Vacay” instead of vacation. I suppose it perturbs me because it’s just as simple to replace those pesky multi-syllabic words with single syllable words, like “plans,” “good,” or “break.” Seriously, if you’re not going to utilize the entirety of the English language, why not move to China?
Whoops, I guess that sounded a little racist. Which, as it turns out, brings me to my next phobia/general beef:
#11 – Racists. If it were up to me, they’d all be wiped out to make room for the rest of us.