What can I say about Puerto Rico? Never having been here before, the only thoughts I can really offer are directly related to incorrect former assumptions. For example: I thought it would be louder. I thought there would be more dancing in the streets, preferably choreographed. I didn’t realize it would look so much like […]
Hmm… I feel like I’ve done this before. Deja vu, Deja vu… Oh, right! I HAVE done this before. Back when I moved away to Vail, all by myself, all those years ago. So I won’t go on ad nauseum. But just so you know, here’s what you should be feeling grateful for this season: […]
Muffin toppings, Pudgy floppings, See-through. Wanna date? It’s too late. Cougar. Where’d it go? Your mojo? Missing. Take a bow, Take it now. Nip-slip. (Not directed at Nancy Grace, but hey if the shoe fits…)
When we pulled in to Newport, Rhode Island, I asked a guy what Rhode Island was known for. He shrugged, then walked away. That was when I realized. Rhode Island’s main export? Apathy. In 1791, when Rhode Island was first added to the union of states, the flag makers asked the first governmental body of […]
1. You’ll never appreciate toilet paper until it’s rationed. 2. A human being’s so-called “internal compass” means nothing when you live on what is essentially a giant moving compass point. 3. There are places where beer is actually cheaper than soda.
It’s frigging cold here, and everyone speaks French. What is happening? What is HAPPENING!!?? AaAaaaaAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! Ooh, beniets… The end.
In the spirit of the Faceless Men, (Game of Thrones reference. Love it!!!) I’m going to try and post new things I learn, three at a time. Here is what I’ve learned this week: 1. It is not a good idea to bring nothing but 4-5 inch heels on a ship. (Not because you’re not […]
Sorry, friends. This is the first time I’ve had service since NYC. Needless to say, this last week has been a HUGE adventure. The first day on our new ship was not unlike the first day of camp; excitement, butterflies and new friends are soon followed by brimming tears and the sudden and visceral urge […]
Gentle rumbles. Stranger grumbles. Smelly. On or off. Uncovered cough. Distance. Take it here. Take it there. Token. Man, it’s a good thing I’m not Asian. I suck at haiku. Really.
You know how sometimes you’ll be drinking tea and you’ll forget to stir it? The longer you drink it and the closer you get to the bottom, the sweeter it gets. Until you’re practically choking on the nauseating lumps of pure sugar that poison the dregs? I know someone whose personality is a lot like […]
These days, I’ve taken to viewing life as a series of moments that vary in importance based on levels of awareness. What’s that? No clue what I’m talking about? Well, I don’t really blame you because that sentence was CHUNKY. But stay with me here for a second, if you can… You know how the […]
I think we all saw this coming one day, but perhaps not so soon. The time has come for me to ask you a gigantic favor. I need you to help me kill someone. What? Oh… Oh, no, I don’t mean a REAL person. I mean an imaginary person. One of my characters, actually. (Ha, […]
While watching the news for the first time in a few weeks (don’t judge me, I’ve been busy), I found myself reflecting on my past as a journalist. My decision not to continue on that career path was the result of several factors: the current job market, declining emphasis on ethics and civic responsibility… but […]
As usual, while watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night I was plagued with thoughts of violence. Somewhere during the twelve-or-so-minute period of inaction caused by the feeling of horror/intrigue shows like that seem to bank on for their viewership, there was a commercial for the new season of Dexter. Of course, my mind being the […]
Oh, the excuses we’ll make When the time comes to ‘fess To all of our crimes. Whether under duress, Or guilt-ridden and glib, Tongues loosened from stewing That’s when we’ll explain, Just what we’ve been doing. While creatively creating All sorts of fat fibbies, We’ll stand at attention And sweat through our skivvies. Never forgetting […]
Today, I am wearing ladylike flats with pearls and an a-line dress in honor of all the women who came before me. For my grandmother, who married for family name and societal rank, but divorced for her own safety and the safety of her children. For my mother, who spent more than half her life […]
Cordelia: Sons and daughters of the internet, I am Cordelia! Peanut Gallery: Cordelia is a made up character in a book! Cordelia: Yes, that much is true. In real life, Cordelia is a sassy office manager who kills Diet Cokes by the hundreds, and has been known to quell a man twice her size with […]
Dear Edgar Allen Poe, I am so, so sorry for this. The Emo with the Raven Hair… Once upon a work day dreary, while he toiled, depressed and bleary, Over quarterly earnings and “FYI” e-mails he’d rather ignore, Disembodied, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As if a tiny TuPac was rapping, rapping at […]
Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are a) easily offended or b) you do not know who Lewis Black is. A Tribute to Lewis Carroll (in the style of Lewis Black) How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he polishes himself with the corpses of his victims, […]
Welcome to my new “Poetry Renovation” series. I got the idea for this a few days ago, when I was sitting at work, thinking deep thoughts. Deep, dank, stalagtitious thoughts… Anyway, here we go. Poetry Renovation – Version 18.2 Shall I compare thee to a woman’s face? Thou hast better graphics and art more enthralling. […]
Since a very young age, I’ve been infamous for putting my foot in my mouth. Whether as a result of an ill-timed observation, a hastily invented excuse, or an unintentional slight, I am no stranger to the immediate chagrin and panic that comes after saying something you wish you could take back, but can’t. However, […]
And now, for an homage of my own creation: When I try to imagine bliss, It doesn’t look a lot like this. But neither does it look like most With towering palm trees or shimmering coast. In fact, I think my bliss might be A quiet cave by a stormy sea. The muddy banks of […]
I’m having an Edgar Allan Poe sort of a day. “Alone” by EAP From childhood’s hour I have not been As others were — I have not seen As others saw — I could not bring My passions from a common spring — From the same source I have not taken My sorrow — I […]
Lately, I’ve been focusing and/or blogging more about the dramatic ups and downs of my actual life, as opposed to working primarily on fiction. Which is fine, to a certain extent. But when does it become too much reality? One of the problems I’ve run into is that I live in a near-constant state of fear that […]
In high school, I had a friend who would refuse to leave the house for an entire month each year. If you called her to hang out or invite her to a party, she would simply scoff and respond “It’s August.” Then she would hang up the phone. If pressed, she was known to tersely […]
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