Fun with Iambic Pentameter

There once was a struggling writer, Who thought she could be wound no tighter. But when her boss said “do this” She was too dumb to resist. Now she’ll be pulling an all-nighter. (The End.)

It ain’t easy being this mediocre.

“Nothing worth having ever comes easy.” I don’t know who said that, but it’s so incredibly freaking true. For me, humility has always been the starting point for everything worthwhile I accomplish, instead of the result. I know that’s probably a little backwards, but it’s only after a huge failure or humiliation that I begin […]

Titles are like _______.

As William Shakespeare once (allegedly) wrote, “you can call it anything you want, but it’s still the same skunk cabbage.” Or…something… Anyway, my point is that it doesn’t frigging matter what you call it. At the end of the day, it is what it is. Labeling people, practices or ideas with helpful little monikers is only […]

Flight Etiquette 101

I just got home from a twice in one day flight to Las Vegas, and no I wasn’t doing anything awesome like counting cards for Kevin Spacey. (One can dream, though) During my travels, a couple of things struck me that I’d like to share with y’all. (All three of you who read this blog, […]

Hipster Rant of the Day

A shout out to all those who are willing to be inconvenienced in the interest of saving the environment, mother earth, and the future of the human race. So what if apples and oranges are awkward to eat and make your fingers sticky? So what if your electric car makes you look like you’d lose […]

On Figureheads

Lately, I’ve been formulating a theory. I realize it’s not often that the “real world” can boast sterling examples of moral character without alternately finding a way to tear that person down. One only has to  look at the way Christopher Hitchins went after Mother Teresa or how Winston Churchill talked trash against Gandhi to realize that even the best people […]

Horrible Baby Names

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” a wise and lecherous drunkard once wrote. But I’m going to have to disagree with Ol’ Shakespeare on this one, because even though he was a legendary bard when it came to word-smithery, as an administrator of hospital-like things, I’m the one who is faced with the […]

WTF Superbowl Commercials: A Rant

In today’s world, it sometimes seems like we live in a constant state of advertising. Where we used to be able to ignore billboards by the freeway and the occasional bench sign, now there are ads everywhere we look. In Vegas, there are trucks made out of billboards, and their only purpose is to drive through the city […]

My Head is on the Writer’s Block

To everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a–OOh, something shiny! That wierdness pretty much explains the times I’m having now. Writing is something I love doing, and it’s definitely one of the things that I would prioritize if I could. That said, nobody else seems to want to LET me prioritize it. But before I […]

The Secret to World Peace

People always say that life is full of choices. Why is it that when beauty pageant contestants are asked what their one wish would be, they always seem to say World Peace? Does this seem a little too consistent to anyone else, like maybe they’ve all visited the same lobotomy doctor? Why not an end […]

The Origin of Helpful Adages

You know, as a kid I always thought that every saying should always come from a literal and basic truth. Like, that bears repeating. Or, that doesn’t bear repeating. I pictured that fuzzy little grizzly doing the same things over and over. And that would get boring, I suppose. But what sense did it make? […]

On Reception Lines

There will be a Reception Line in Hell. And if I am very, very naughty, I will be forced to stand in it. Most likely, somewhere at the front.This is the worst position of The Line because, at the front, every miserable peon who passes through the never ending procession gets stuck in a metaphysical […]

Wake me up when November ends…

So. This has been an interesting season. I’ve cried, laughed, danced, grieved, slept, ailed, healed, worked, learned, worked, loved, lost, and avoided taxes. I’ve thought, prayed, questioned, pondered, imagined, reasoned, puzzled, wondered, and asked. I’ve doubted, given up, sworn, denied, ignored, forgotten, and spurned. But not once did I die. And for that, I am […]

Take Luck

Ever have one of those days that is so good it just scares the crap out of you? It’s as if there are so many awesome things going on, your logical brain freaks out and wonders when something is going to go horribly wrong. Like the universe is conspiring against you towards your ultimate destruction, […]

Aggrivated Snot Monster!!!

Blarrggghh!!! It’s Sunday, and the phlegm is finally leaving. Did I spell that correctly??? Is that even a proper noun, phlegm? Anyway, I feel a bit better. The sinus headache is still there, however, but the coughs are lessening. Which points to the possibility that I may yet survive this blight. Huzzah!!! Stand by for future signs […]