Forever Alone Mad Libs

Example: I haven’t showered in _eons__, but that’s okay, because somewhere out there, there’s bound to be a hot, single _notary public_ who loves the smell of _stewed cabbage_.   I’m a proud, confident _________ who don’t need no __________. Except to _______ my _________. I might need a _________ for that.   When I […]

You’re My Least Favorite Hole

You’re like a manhole, Minus the man. If you were the only draft, I’d pick the can.   You’re the void in my donut, The air in my chips. I’d like to take an iron To your tiresome, lying lips.   Around is where you always are When it’s space I want instead. You think […]

Never; However

I said I’d never let you down And always take your side. However, that was when I thought I’d be your future bride.   I said I’d never lie to you About the things that mattered. However, that was before you broke my heart And my five year plan was shattered.   I never wanted […]

Basic Bro

You call yourself a “beer connoisseur” But when no one is looking You drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. You’re basic, Bro. You cheer for the Giants But only because you secretly think You look better in blue. You’re what is loosely referred to as an “unimpressive man,” or “Basic Bro.” Your favorite band  Used to be […]


I told myself I loved you But your Beard was wispy And insubstantial and you Had a tendency to skip leg day Anyway I thought you were perfect But you didn’t know any Songs by The Clash Even though you often rocked A London Calling t-shirt Anyway I imagined us together Forever even though you […]

On Being a “Show-Off”

Twice in the last week, I’ve been called a show-off. This is nothing new for me, but it really ticks me off. Especially now, with all that’s happening. Let me tell you why. Even before I started school, I loved to read. Books were my only friends, for a long time. I was a weird […]

On Women

“I know how to take care of myself,” she said. They assumed she meant that she could harm someone who was trying to harm her, and that was true. But it also meant that she knew how to buy herself flowers when she was feeling like the world was devoid of beauty. She also knew […]

The Doomsday Generation

We’ve all heard the joke: Today’s young people are better prepared for a zombie apocalypse than they are for “real life.” Well, thank god for that. As we have seen, are seeing, will see, the world is an increasingly baffling and hellacious place. Human sacrifice? Check. Dogs and cats living together? Check. Mass hysteria? …Oh, […]

Pop Quiz: Are You Oppressed?

op·pres·sion /əˈpreSHən/ noun noun: oppression; plural noun: oppressions prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control. “a region shattered by oppression and killing” synonyms: persecution, abuse, maltreatment, ill-treatment, tyranny, despotism, repression, suppression, subjection, subjugation; More antonyms: freedom, democracy the state of being subject to unjust treatment or control. synonyms: persecution, abuse, maltreatment, ill-treatment, tyranny, despotism, repression, […]

Am I Entitled? (Hint: The Answer is Yes.)

Entitlement is a funny thing. Hard to recognize, especially in ourselves. Difficult to escape. It’s not just a mindset we develop during our best times. Not only a set of behaviors adopted out of carelessness. For some, it’s like a religion, or an inheritance. A way of life passed down from father to son. Some […]

Advocating for the Devil, 101

***Disclaimer: If you’re super religious and/or don’t like having your beliefs questioned, you may want to steer clear of this one.*** When I was a junior in college, I took a class in professional arguing. (Well, okay, technically it was Advanced Negotiation, but arguing is more fun to say.) One of the most useful things […]

“Make a Nursery Rhyme Emo” Monday

The Horizontal Ceiling by Veronica Park I’ve hit the wall, the dead end The junction of nowhere and everything It’s too late to change or replace And I don’t feel safe enough to stay But I can’t leave Because I have nowhere to go I feel the fear, the clutching need To leave this place […]