If I’m going to feel lonely, I’d rather be alone.
There are few feelings worse, in my opinion,
Than being surrounded by others who are actively
Engaging with one another, while actively disengaged
Even if it’s only one person,
And that person is choosing not to connect with you.
Even—especially—though you’re the only choice
For companionship, for basic human connection
At least, at that moment.
Consciously, or not, they are refusing
To see you as a preferable alternative
To nothing at all.
That’s why, in my case, I would sincerely prefer to be
Well and truly alone.
Versus alone with someone who wishes I was other
Or that I would just be, without being, who I am.
I would rather be alone, and bask in my solitude
Instead of constantly wondering, feeling conspicuous
Always agonizing over why I am apparently not enough
Why I cannot just be, accepted, as I am.
Alone is the only time I ever really feel okay, as is.
But the world reminds me that okay isn’t enough.
Even though I would be happy, as is, given half a chance.
Even in my happiest times, my most connected moments,
I often feel the tug of awareness that, at any given moment,
I will cease to be preferable to solitude, for someone else.
So I choose to be alone, emotionally, if not physically, some of the time
Because alone sometimes feels like the least lonely state.